I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
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I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Coffee is ready.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”