Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
5 ways to appear taller
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Punctuation Matters. Period.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.