Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Brands during Pride
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.