Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
This is a whole mood;
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.