[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague