I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy