*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s