In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.