me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.