so this horse walks into a bar
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula