EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Always 🥴
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.