Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
It was worth a shot 😂
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
at ease…shoulder.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
😂😂
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!