If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Breaking news:
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.