Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
CRYING
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight