I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
You Might Also Like
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.