I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
You Might Also Like
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If only
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
True
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.