when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Confused owl: What?!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Morning.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE