How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.