IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
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You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”