I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
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Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
They’re really bad with fonts.