i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
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‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this