Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too