[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool