What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Childbirth is so beautiful
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife