Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.