my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
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judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
🤣dope
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
IT’S-A ME,
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.