Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.