I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow