PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.