gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.