hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them