Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
accurate
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving