Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…