Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
You Might Also Like
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”