Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
calling in to work dehydrated
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If only
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes