Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Blew out my flip flop…
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey