It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat