Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Important reminders
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry