For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?