A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”