Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
File under excellent bookstore names.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
philosophical skeletons be like
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*