what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”