Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.