NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I鈥檓 getting targeted ads about chin fat and I鈥檓 offended by the relevance.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you鈥檙e gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
馃毑+physics = winner
Not sure what鈥檚 more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schr枚dinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schr枚dinger.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: It鈥檚 easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I鈥檒l be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Woman: I love a man with an accent
M谩n: Well hello there
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?