STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
それは草
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
you will never know the true number of layers
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life