My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?