Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
You Might Also Like
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi