I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”