Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.