*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.